Things we own bring us short term happiness but really don’t mean anything in our lives. Money is only something we can spend on things. It’s true that we can give money away but giving the money doesn’t bring us joy, the willingness to give it away is the source of the pleasure. It’s relationships that make our brief stint here on Earth worth the trouble.
My oldest grandson, Phoenix, has been one of my best friends from the beginning. Our relationship has sometimes been a source of frustration especially during the “terrible twos”. I resolved not to spoil my grandchildren and I haven’t. We do things together, but I don’t let them get away with bad behavior. Phoenix was the first, and I learned a lot from him.
When Phoenix was three, he was riding in a kid seat on the back of my bicycle on the New River Trail. The New River Trail is a 54-mile long bike and walking trail that begins in Galax, Va. and ends in Fries, Va. Phoenix and I had covered about 10 miles out and were a couple of miles into the return trip to the truck. He was tired and began to complain. As is often the case with three-year-olds, he began to cry.
I patiently tried to explain that crying wouldn’t do any good. All we could do was peddle back to the truck and his complaining and crying wouldn’t help us get there faster. All who’ve spent time with a three year old know how that didn’t work. I then explained that, since he felt crying would help, I would join him and I began to cry. It wasn’t real crying, it was the fake crying kids learn to use when they want something. I had more experience, though, and I cried louder than him with a pitiful snubbing inhale. Within a minute, he asked me to stop crying.
I slowly cut the crying off and went back to the business of peddling us back the remaining seven or eight miles. Occasionally, he would begin to whimper and I would start crying. He would stop whimpering and ask me to not cry. I learned a lesson that day. When my grandkids cry over something they want, I cry with them.
To have a relationship with your kids and grandkids, you have to spend one on one time with them. Phoenix and I have fished, shot, kayaked, hunted, camped, traveled, snorkeled, mined gems, and biked together. In the process, I learned things about him and he learned about me. On a “School is Out Celebration” trip a few years ago, he began the trip by using his knowledge of me to push my buttons. I’m not going to tell you what this entails, because you might decide to use the information against me later, but he began the trip by pushing my buttons. It was clear he intended to use his new found power for the duration of the trip.
You can’t punish a child for pushing your buttons provided they know how hard to push and Phoenix was doing a pretty good job of knowing the limit. I devised a plan and worked it. I explained that I knew he was pushing my buttons; he innocently proclaimed he had no idea what I was talking about. I explained that, since I was the driver, I would get to chose where we would eat but if he could manage to not push my buttons between meals, he could choose.
He chose the restaurant for every meal of the whole three-day trip. You couldn’t ask for a better kid. Since that time, this is our standard traveling procedure. If I especially want to eat at a specific restaurant, I ask and my gracious grandson almost always yields.
When Phoenix was eight, I got him a shotgun and he started shooting; he showed real promise. At some point, he shot a gun that was too big and the recoil hurt him. He stopped shooting the shotgun. I backed off and didn’t push. It took three years to get him back on the gun. It was hard not to push too hard, but I knew he had to want to shoot to enjoy it and if he didn’t enjoy it, he’d never be a good shooter. Eventually, he asked to shoot again and he’s doing fine now.
What I’m saying here isn’t that I’m a great grandparent or that I can tell you how to deal with your kids and grandkids. What I’m saying is they benefit from you being consistent, patient, and fair with them and they will most likely make the right decision if you set a good example. If I’d rushed Phoenix when he quit shooting shotgun, I might have turned him off it for good. It had to be something he wanted.
This week, a tree fell across the driveway and Phoenix helped me clear up the mess. He volunteered to help and he worked hard in unmerciful heat. He worked steady, not loafing around, but responsibly. It was a wonderful thing to see. This last year has been a turning point for my soon to be 14-year-old grandson. He likes to spend time at my house, he volunteers to do things to help around the place, and he tries to be a good influence on the younger grandkids. He’s becoming a man. Watching it happen is as good a feeling as I’ve ever had in my life.
I know we’re heading for tough times; being a teenager is hard on parents, grandparents, and teenagers but I know Phoenix will handle it well. Having taken as many as 16 teenage boys to The National Matches as their boss and guardian, I know I can handle it. Phoenix and I will have trials and tough times for sure but we’ll work through it. There will be challenges I’m sure but we’ll work through them. After all, if I can’t figure a better way to get through to him, I can always cry.
Dick Jones is a freelance writer living in High Point. He’s an NRA Certified Instructor and a member of the board of directors of the Southeast Outdoor Press Association. He writes about hunting, fishing, dogs, and shooting for several N.C. newspapers as well as magazines. If you’d like to have him speak to your group, he can be reached at offtheporch52@yahoo.com or offtheporchmedia.com.
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